25

After a while not hitting the blogger button, I finally decided to write. I figured that this is necessary, a need that has been creeping inside my very mind urging me to type away all of the thoughts that have been plaguing my brain recently. Well, I'm a lazy typist and not to mention that all my thoughts are scattered. Once I had this thought, a schemed paragraph which i planned ahead in my mind to write it down later, (this constantly happened during my prayer, if i may add) and after my prayer ended, the thought dissolved and I must say that those thoughts were fantastic! Needless to say, my laziness got the very best of me and I forgot what I want to say, those thoughts weren't given any chance to be voiced out.

What were those thoughts exactly?

Recently, I had a few thoughts while slumbering, eating away all the food, storing enough fat to make me drowsy and every night before the eyes finding its own way for escapee, the Aquarius trait in me won't let me sleep. As Aquarius we tend to think and we think alot! All ridiculous things that had been bugging me will appear and trying to take a hold of my judgment. You might think that this is another story ploy by a madwoman but I can assure you dear reader that I am not. In fact, I am a woman divided between world of solitude and happiness. Well back to the matter at hand, I often think that I am a horrible daughter, worthless piss of shit who do nothing all day just waiting to be spoon fed by both of my parents. This seems true at least. For my argument's sake. I believe that I can be further useful if i can provide some green to the house. Thus, less burden will be carried by my parents. And i didn't help enough in a household chores which my mother consistently want to take charge and being a late riser just bring more demise to myself. I don't know whether i can help it or now. Being a night riser as myself, the task seems difficult. And i woke up everyday feeling more helpless and useless that i couldn't help it. This week, a fever bug seemed to has caught some of my family members; hence the victim was none other than my mother. With her being sick, I got to do partial of her work load (the rest was done by my sister). I managed to cook, clean and etc. I was terribly in a bit of trauma phase still after my mother's run in with the hospital and seeing her sick just brought memories that I had buried. But to look at another bright side, she actually got to rest few days and leaving me to carry on with the tasks at hand. Allah has a way of actually granting your wishes but in extraordinary which led me to think that the power of God plays a part here. Be careful what you wish for. But my mother managed to rest a bit and i felt incredible to manage play my part as useful daughter. At least there is a worth and I love my mother to death to be willing to do anything in my power to make her happy. I shall try my best!

Being 25 brought me to think and to ponder about many things regarding my future. I am still studying while my friends are already engaged, married, successful. Dont get me wrong. I love my life. I love that Allah has given second chance to right what is wrong and enable me to experience all the things that I was unable to do years ago. But sometimes, i couldn't help but to feel a bit timid surrounded by my friends. I often escape reunion, wedding not because i wanted to but because i dont have what they have. But i bet that my friends want to be in my shoes for studying, and could care less about the world. The realities that we will face when we graduate.  I feel shy to face those who went to wedding bringing their loved ones while I have none. Much less a friend for me to drag whenever there's a wedding parade of schoolmates. I feel tired. Yes, that's what I feel. Tired to keep actually hogging my friends to accompany me to the weddings added that my friends themselves already attached while I have none. Sometimes, i wonder what's so wrong about me that i myself from the past until now are not attached to anyone. I am fat now and this fatness leads me to a bigger insecurities issues which i often deal by shrugging it off and pretend that my fantasies are better than realities. I am not pretty, i often got those words thrown at me in the past and i've considered it to be a repeated chant in my head. So whenever people look at me, i would have my head down and whisper, "u are not pretty people wont ever cast a sideway glance at you, much less to actually properly look at you and call u pretty". Whenever people compliment i just figured that it is one of the ways of people to show that they are being polite and not that actually they mean it. Yes i'm not pretty, im jobless, moneyless, friendless in a sense that i dont feel belong anywhere. Sometimes this things ended quickly it is almost a norm.

I started my year of being 25 of feeling becoming a worthless, loser that I am.

Wonder next time when I write, will something change then?

I NEED TO

1. Shed some extra KG, i am in need of that. f--K scratch that, i want it so bad!

2. To have a healthy relationship with my supervisor. hence; conversation

3. Improve my lifestyle

4. Have some self confidence

5. Complete my other half bargain of thesis

6. Have and enjoy the remaining semester of my degree life

7. Fall in love with everything I have 

8. Open my heart

9. Be more reasonable with foods

10. Love myself. I have been self loathing lately that I can't often escape tears that have been accompanying me to sleep

Maybe just maybe next time i wrote. Things will be much more simple than my clouded and shredded thoughts. 

O Allah, grants me the love so powerful that in heaven, my suitor will basically have to drag my ass if i didnt accompany him sooner. 

Aamin